Monday, October 26, 2009

Don't you just HATE it when that happens?

I'd say there are quite a few motivators for staying reasonably fit. Better health, higher energy levels, more enjoyment out of life, etc. One of the often overlooked benefits of staying fit is being able to see your junk when your underwear starts to cause, um, "chaffing." Allow me to explain.

A dude named Al went on a trip to Hawaii with his wife back in 2007. This was a very big deal, so his sweet wife purchased a new pair of Hanes underwear for the trip. One thing lead to another (nope, the new briefs didn't lead to that), and he ended up in court, suing Hanes. I'll let the court document take over from here... but before I do, you can see the full case right here, in case you think I'm pulling your leg.
Plaintiff testified he believed sand that he picked up in his swim trunks while Enjoying the Hawaiian surf had irritated his penis. Over the next few days he and his wife "walked all over the place" until his condition worsened to the point that he "could hardly walk." Plaintiff testified his inability to walk was caused by defendant's defective manufacturing of his underwear which caused his "fly" to gap open . . . "and acted like a sand belt on my privates."

While most dudes would inspect their junk upon noticing soreness, poor Al never did, but for good reason:

He testified he is a "belly-man" and his "weight" prevents him from looking down and seeing his penis. He further testified he declined to use the hotel mirror to view the "injury" because that is "not something he would do." He also testified he did not ask his wife to examine his penis because he would never ask her to do such a thing."

I really can't comment on Big Al's statements in anyway without this post turning into potty humor (oops, a little too late for that). I will mention that somewhat ironically, Al won his trip to Hawaii as a reward for selling more than $20,000.00 of diet products. He's obviously quite the salesman, if you think about it.

Tragically, Al didn't prevail in his suit against Hanes. But it wasn't a total loss for him: he was allowed to keep the video of the injury on the Internet because "the court does not have jurisdiction to address this request."

So just to clarify - checking out the injury in the mirror or asking his wife to sneak a peek is "not something he would do", but posting a video of the injury on the Internet? TOTALLY OKAY!

So, as with many of my posts that are way out in left field, we are left with the question: What does all of this have to do with Shammy Time? Simple. Riding your bike a couple times a week will help keep your line of sight to your junk unobstructed, which will go a long way toward ensuring that you don't become another Hanes travesty.

Oh, and one more thing that is directly related to "shammies." My biggest fear about Rick's Helloween ride is not that I'll see Rick in a giant girl scout uniform. It's that I'll end up having to sue the manufacturer of my costume for causing unwanted "chaffing." You better believe I'll be wearing a shammy under my costume after reading this case.


Dan said...

You know, there's more than one way to skin a cat. Instead of keeping your belly small enough to see your junk, you can always get your junk big enough to see around your belly. has all the answers.

South County Ciclista said...

Are you saying you are wearing that costume that Dude was sporting off the front during the le mans start at the Moab 24?

South County Ciclista said...

for the Helloween ride

tp said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tp said...

That belly pooch is called a "dickiedoo". Your belly is so big you can't see what your dickie doo's.

Chad said...

Fatness isn’t just a legal liability; it’s also a legal defense. This murder suspect claims he’s just too fat to have chased and gunned down his victim:
Too fat to kill